Magoo The Mechanic

There are times in a man's life when they are filled with the desire and lust for violence.

How the actual term violence is defined can be a very touch and go thing. Generally it should not be literal. Many times the feeling is expressed in punching bags at the gym, angry rock music in the car, or screaming into one's pillow at night in tears of frustration.

Many times, either a woman or a rockslide of events are involved. My situation did not involve a woman, although a few spectated. At which point they usually react, for good reason, as if they are observing activity in a leper colony that they have no desire to be a part of.

To set the scene properly, I was in a situation where I had a tail light out on the back of my vehicle that I have wanted to get fixed for some time. Accomplishing this task is a lot like fixing a cowlick in the dead center back of your head.

Eyes are not detachable, and the angle is useless for a mirror. I needed another human to scientifically observe and report input, namely, is the light coming on? So the auto parts store, which is usually a good resource for these types of things was my first stop. It should have been my last stop.

Out of the five employees in varying states of attention, the only one I had to work with was a portly senior in a buzz cut with an eye that kept flirting with the other. I don't know why this has to be a theme in my life, but it is. One day when I die, God will nudge me and inform me that it was a running gag. On that day, many religions will change at once, and I will be in anger management classes again.

"How can I help?" Stout Salesman asked. So far, so good.

"I have a taillight that I need to check out, but I can't press the brake and see the light at the same time, so I was wondering if I could get someone to watch it and see what I may need to buy."

This strange request, apparently rendered in Greek appeared to confuse him.

"Oh, I can't see things. I'm blind in one eye, and I got in a bad car accident and only have partial vision in the other."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Could I perhaps get someone else to help me with this?"

"Oh, I can't see things. I'm blind in one eye, and I got in a bad car accident and only have partial vision in the other."

"As you said. Can I get someone else to help?"

"You should take it to an auto shop. They won't charge too much to look at it."

I then realized I was speaking to a brick encased in flesh. I thanked him and went to the competitor next door. Yes, folks, there are two auto parts stores twenty feet or so apart from each other.

Looking at the young man behind the counter I asked, "I'm assuming you people aren't blind like that jackass next door, right?" As he burst into laughter I understood he knew precisely who I was speaking of.

After again making my request, he followed me outside and confirmed the worst. I went back home and inspected the light to find that there were two issues at hand. First, the plastic mount for the bulb had melted, and second, the wires connecting it had been cut.

I returned the next day to determine how to replace it. I started at the shop I had grown to like, and as they had nothing that would work, I was stuck returning to the Lair of Magoo.

Let's be clear. I'm a Norman Rockwell holdover in a clown world. I realize that fact. I try to work around it and avoid it as much as possible, but nowadays so many just want to phone it in.

When I was younger, people knew a thing or two about a thing or two, and now it is like going into a library and asking for a Stephen King novel.

"Do you have The Shining?"

"What's that, a movie?"

"A book."

"What's a book?"

"Google it."

So I return to the Dead Zone and look for help on this melted light. The lady sees me, two other employees see me and find other things to do and I realize I am headed for the ugly date at the auto parts prom.

Oh, look! Magoo the Mechanic.

"Can I help you?"

"I doubt it. You can't see, and this is a looking kind of thing."

"Oh, I can't see things. I'm blind in one eye, and I got in a bad car accident and only have partial vision in the other."

"Yes. We've covered this. Is there anyone else that might take a look at this?"

"Oh, I can't see things. I'm blind in one eye, and I got in a bad car accident and only have partial vision in the other."

"Gotcha. You have a nice day, y'hear?"

And I ain't been back in the zone since.