I'll Steal Christmas and Everything Else

Every holiday season, we rewatch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and marvel at how a green furry grouch could ruin so much with so little effort. It sounds a lot like Congress, doesn't it?

It's not that much of a stretch if you consider it well enough. He lied, he stole, and he blamed the Whos for having too much joy. Swap the sleigh for a campaign bus, add your local Political Action Committee, and he's ready for office. His heart was two sizes too small, but a politician's heart is just the right size to hold polling data.

The Grinch isn't just a holiday villain; he's a satirical metaphor for politicians everywhere. He only hated Christmas. Politicians find a way to hate Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Arbor Day, depending on the voter base.

It's not hard to compare the Grinch's theft of Christmas to political promises that seem too good to be true. The Grinch promised to stop all the noise, noise, noise. That's politician-speak for "I’ll fix your problems by making them worse."

Our green buddy had the talent and policy of "Steal First, Apologize Later," which meant he could gaslight the audience with the best of them. He blamed the Whos for their own joy, much like politicians blame the public for issues they create. Those rascals like to pick a group or a scapegoat they feel is worthy of the lashing and public humiliation, and off we go.

Let's not forget he dressed as Santa to trick the Whos. Politicians would do it for a campaign ad, complete with a slogan: 'Make Who-ville Great Again.'

Too much happiness? That's a tax code violation in Whoville. They require more funding for aid to Whereville and Whatville but always seem to get really quiet when you ask them about Whyville. The Grinch took ornaments and gifts. Politicians take earmarks and donor vacations, which are just shinier versions.

The Grinch sowed distrust among the Whos in the best divide-and-conquer tactic he could muster. We really should have seen it coming from Washington, DC, after this story. He didn't just steal Christmas; he tried to make them doubt the whole holiday. That's classic political playbook material.

We can't decide what to call it or what not to call it, and the holidays could just be the holidays if we weren't guilted and shamed for either direction we took. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, damned if you're a Who.

If the shame and gaslighting don't work, then the Grinch's scare tactics are next, roughly the same as political fear campaigns. Besides, he told Cindy Lou Who the tree was a fire hazard. Next, he'd probably ban marshmallows in hot cocoa. When the Grinch lied to the Whos, he had no PR team to spin it as 'alternative truths.'

Imagine a politician's shock if voters ever stopped falling for their speeches and just threw a potluck instead. The Grinch changed his ways after hearing a song. Politicians only change theirs after hearing their approval ratings. In public. On a proverbial Jumbotron. Tell me public humiliation doesn't work when correctly applied.

One day, the Grinch stole Christmas, but at least he left the roast beast and carved it like a hero. It sounds like every candidate in a swing state. A modern politician would take the beast and hand out IOUs for gravy while spending the evening fundraising. The Grinch returned what he stole because he felt terrible. A politician would return it only if subpoenaed.

You have to apply pressure to the powers that be; this much we've learned. The concerted effort to stop singing forced the Grinch to rethink his ways. We use the X platform. It makes politicians nervous, and that's a good thing. It's incredible what a united voice can do, even if it's in perfect harmony and wearing matching scarves. Or hashtags. When all else fails, just hold hands and sing louder. It drives the Grinches of the world crazy.

The Grinch's change of heart doesn't erase the damage done. I doubt we would expect it to, and the same is the result in the Capitol. They aren't very concerned about that, as it's the means to an end. Sure, he brought back the presents, but who's fixing the chimney?

It seems that we, much like Whoville, will end up cleaning the mess ourselves since we continue to deal with politicians that like to come down escalators and fall up stairs, change their skins like a chameleon to fit the audience, and none of them can dance for shit.

Here's a shovel. It will serve multiple purposes.

To his credit, the Grinch climbed a mountain to get away from people. Politicians would go there to rename it after themselves. And after the appropriate amount of fury and thought, came down from Mount Crumpit to steal from the Whos with a sack. Modern politicians prefer descending from their private jets to implement a new tax code instead—it's more efficient.

He might be green and furry, but the Grinch is more relatable than most political ads. At least the Grinch gave back everything he stole and had the decency to look guilty when caught. A politician would hold a press conference and call it 'repurposing for the greater good,' and a 'misunderstanding of campaign finance laws.'

The Grinch needed a sleigh and a dog to steal Christmas. Politicians only need a loophole and a lobbyist. That's why if a candidate promises to fix everything, you should check their sleigh for stolen goods. Or their recent stock movements.

The Grinch taught us an important lesson: It's not about what's under the tree but who's stealing it in the first place. At least the Grinch had the decency to admit he was wrong. That's more than most politicians can say.

So, as you hang your stockings and sing your carols this holiday season, keep an eye out. You never know when a Grinch or a politician might be lurking around your chimney.